Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
You Might Also Like
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Always this one for me forever
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
If only.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first