Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Pigeon open mic night.

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.