honestly, i need both:
You Might Also Like
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!