honestly, i need both:
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Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’