Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

he chose this

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.