Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.