Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
This is hilarious
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan