Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.