Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
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Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*