Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
You Might Also Like
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
the official breakfast of 2021