Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!