honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
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wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
sensitive skin
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.