honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
You Might Also Like
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
That 👊
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car