honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
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my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.