honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
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That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Yes, this is exactly right
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Steam Forums
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Happy thanksgiving!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?