honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
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This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.