Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
You Might Also Like
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal