Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”