honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
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Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
We need it on priority
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing