Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio