Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

Perfect

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”