Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”