Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
![]()
You Might Also Like
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
![]()
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
![]()
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.