Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
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How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.