Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
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That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
