Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
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“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣