honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
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I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
North and South
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.