honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
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I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller