honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
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when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.