Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER