Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
You Might Also Like
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Born to be mild.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…