Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.