Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
You Might Also Like
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable