Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

For the ones in the back.

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.