Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

The “baby” on the left….

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

[at grocery store]

Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?

Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.