honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
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police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
*exercises sarcastically*
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.