Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
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Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))