Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
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How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Worst Native American name ever.
I’m listening
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
The best plant holders?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…