Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
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“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.