Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
2022 be like
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
titanic
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”