Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

OKAY DAD

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]