Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.