Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

just arby’s bein’ a bro

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.