honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
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[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
me as a parent
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.