honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
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“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.