Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

i want enemies

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

When ur friends with white people

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.