Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

True freaking story!

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”