My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
so much to do
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?