[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
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me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.