Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.