Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
S M O L
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
This meeting could have been a cake
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
I can’t stop laughing at this
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!