Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My sex drive has a dui
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?