Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.