Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
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Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Pretty much! 😂👀
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not