Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.