Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
me after eating Cheetos
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Brother?
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.