Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
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The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo