Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
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if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
#SuperBowl
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
This is Sparta
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
