Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
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You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.