Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
You Might Also Like
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
