Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
#growingpains
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore