Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Every
Single
Year
Start the year as you intend to continue.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
HR said no more nunchucks.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”