honey, bring out the fine china.
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Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??