honey, bring out the fine china.
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A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.