honey, bring out the fine china.
You Might Also Like
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??