Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

making my dog give me my pills

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.