Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

time machine? you mean a clock?

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive