Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it