“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
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Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes