“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
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Do one person every day that scares you.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
As the Lord intended
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.