“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
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I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
finally found a reasonable question
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”