“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!