Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…