“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Never deleting this app.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.