Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
😂😂
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.