Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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Ken is short for chicken
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
no way 😭
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I’m ready for Halloween this year
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
how long have you had this for?
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on