Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

lmao

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

#winning

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.