Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.